Why "Falling in Love" is Overrated
Lovely ladies! It's Zion here, founder of The Shenanigans Club, and welcome back to Morning Coffee! I hope you’ve got your favourite cup of tea or coffee with you, because today, I'm diving into something we all think we know about love. Alexa, play Keyshia Cole - Love!
Ladies, have you ever heard the phrase, "Grow in love with a person, don’t fall in love?" Well, now you have! Falling in love is so overrated... and honestly, it can be a little risky too. Everyone has their own views on love, and I totally get that. But these days, especially with what I’ve seen on social media, people seem to fall in love and fall in love so fast without really getting to the nitty gritty of a person right, and what happens is as most of us have seen over a short space of time it ends as fast as it begun!
Have you ever been in a relationship and thought, "I didn’t really know who this person was" or "I saw the signs, but I thought I could change him/her?" Maybe you've caught yourself thinking, “We were great at the start, but after a few months, he/she changed,” or even, “They did a complete 360!”
It’s a pattern many of us have experienced and perhaps, something you’ve even noticed in your own dating journey. Whether your answer is "yes" or "no," I think you’ll want to hear this. If you're currently dating, or considering stepping back into the dating scene, this could make a world of difference.
Patience is the key to any healthy relationship.
Taking the time to grow in love, rather than rushing into it, is one of the most important things you can do. Whether you’re a man or woman, please don’t let the excitement of a fresh connection cloud your judgement. People can look perfect at first, but we’re all imperfect, and mistakes will happen.
The secret? Learning from those mistakes and setting a standard for yourself. This is a must if you’re hoping for a long-term relationship or even marriage. Don’t just settle because someone seems shiny on the outside. Make sure you dig deeper and really get to know the person you’re dating. Trust me! People lie, manipulate, and gaslight. It's sad, but true.
I’ve been there before myself. It’s so easy to fall for someone who seems amazing in the moment, only to discover things aren’t what they seemed. But here’s what I’ve learned: instead of falling in love so quickly, take your time to grow in love. Get to know the real person without rushing things.
So If things don’t work out in the end, you’ll be prepared, and the heartbreak won’t sting as much.
Don’t Rush. Reassess Regularly!
Here’s a scenario for you: you’ve been dating a guy for like eight months. He’s been nothing but charming, attentive, maybe even a little too perfect at times. Maybe you’ve gotten close quickly, even intimate. Everything seems great... until you start noticing small things that don’t sit right with you.
For example, you bring up his kids, and suddenly he’s badmouthing their mother, calling her “evil” or wishing harm on her, or how he was never at fault of the demise of his relationship. At first, you shrug it off, but over time, the red flags grow clearer and harder to ignore.
Ask yourself this: What kind of man speaks that way about the mother of his children?
If he’s willing to talk about her like this, can you really trust how he’d talk about you if things went south? The way a person always speaks about their past reveals more about their character than you might realise and it’s time to start paying attention to those signs. Sometimes you have to just let people dig their own graves to figure them fully out.
Rushing into a relationship or marriage without taking time to reassess who the person really is can lead to disappointment. It’s all about being mindful and not ignoring the early warning signs. Trust your instincts, and don’t let charm blind you to the truth.
Key Questions to Ask When Dating (from Experience!)
When you're dating someone seriously, it’s crucial to ask the right questions. Trust me, this is something I’ve learned through my own experiences, and leading more with logic rather than emotion has saved me from making mistakes and dating the wrong men.
As women, we naturally lead with our emotions. Which is annoying at times but It’s part of who we are, caring, empathetic, and open-hearted. We often give people, especially men, the benefit of the doubt. But here’s the thing ladies, sometimes that emotional charm can cloud our judgment, put us in awkward situations, and even make us second-guess ourselves. So, take it from me, balance that natural empathy with clear-headed logic, and don’t be afraid to dig deeper.
Here are some essential questions you should be asking when you’re dating seriously:
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Are they consistent?
Do their actions align with their words, or are they all talk? If they’re not consistent, that’s a huge red flag for reliability. -
Are they loyal?
Look at their past relationships if they’ve cheated before, that’s something you don’t ignore. Trust is everything, and you should only invest in someone who has demonstrated loyalty in the past because it shows integrity. -
How do they speak about their exes?
Pay attention to how they talk about their past partners. If they’re constantly trash-talking their ex, it could mean they’re still holding onto resentment or, worse, that you might be nothing more than a rebound and someone to pass the time with until they find someone else. -
How was their childhood?
A person's past regardless of if their parents was/are married or not shapes who they are today. Childhood experiences and traumas matter, so don’t be afraid to ask about their background to understand more of who they really are. -
Do they respect your boundaries?
Respecting your boundaries from the start is a big deal. If they push or don’t take you seriously, that's a red flag that won’t change over time. -
What are their long-term goals?
Are they living with intention and ambition, or are they just floating through life? If you’re serious about your future, you need someone who is too—and who’s on the same page as you. -
How do they handle conflict?
How they handle disagreements says a lot about them. Do they communicate maturely and calmly, or do they gaslight and manipulate the situation to their advantage?
But here's the catch right, if they answer these questions vaguely, avoid them altogether, or change the subject? Run! Run as fast as you can! 🤣 Grab your keys, call your Uber, or head straight to the train station whatever it takes. People who avoid vital questions while you're getting to know them are waving massive red flags.
Why, you ask?
Because avoidance shows they’re either hiding something or don’t care enough to be open. If someone can’t handle important conversations, what does that say about their emotional maturity? If they're dodging the real talks, you’re left questioning what else they’re keeping from you. They might be trying to manipulate or gaslight you into thinking you shouldn’t ask tough questions at all.
At the end of the day, honesty, transparency, and accountability are the backbone of any healthy relationship. So, trust your gut! If they're not willing to do the same for you, there’s no reason for you to keep investing your time and energy. You deserve someone who is as open, clear, and honest as you are.
Remember, take your time and get to know the person you’re dating don’t rush in, and don’t settle. Trust yourself, ask the hard questions, and build a foundation on honesty.
Need my checklist for evaluating your relationships? Download my Red Flag Evaluation Guide here! Feel free to this to your notes app or print this guide so you have it handy whenever you need to reflect on your dating journey.
Protect Your Heart AND Your Head
Remember to always protect your heart ladies, I know how easy it is to get caught up in the romance and charm of it all, but try your best to stay grounded. I’m not saying to shut off all your emotions, that’s not realistic and it’s also what makes us human. But, what I am saying is that you should always stay alert and keep your standards firm. Don’t let those little red flags pass just because you’re caught up in the moment.
Grow in Love, Don’t Fall
So, whether you’re dating someone new, or you’ve been with someone for a while always choose to grow in love. Falling in love might sound overly romantic, but it’s honestly risky business. Growth, on the other hand, takes time, patience, and care, and it’s so much more rewarding. When you grow in love, you build a relationship on a strong foundation of trust, mutual respect, and shared values. That’s where the magic really happens! Especially when both are willing to do that.
Ladies, relationships take work whether romantic, friendships, or even with family. As we get older, it’s even more important to be intentional about who we let into our lives and our hearts. If you find yourself constantly asking questions or feeling uneasy, it might be time to step back and reassess. But always remember to grow, not fall.
So with that being said, I’d love to hear from you! What are your thoughts on growing in love vs. falling in love? Have you ever had to reassess a relationship before diving in? Let me know in the comments below, and don’t forget to share your experiences with the Morning Coffee community. We’re all in this together, and who knows? Your story or tips might help someone else!
Thanks so much for reading! Catch you next time.
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About The Shenanigans Club
The Shenanigans Club is a social club for women aged 30-45 based in London UK. We host regular meet-ups and events where you can meet new people, try something different, and have fun. Whether it's a night out, a new activity, or simply getting together over a coffee, our goal is to create an inclusive space where women can form real authentic connections and step out of their comfort zones.
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